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Thread: Ander's Sobriety Log - The Road To An Idealized Self

  1. #1
    Ander Cannabis Rehab Guest

    Default Ander's Sobriety Log - The Road To An Idealized Self

    Hey everyone, you can call me Ander. I don’t really want to call myself a cannabis addict but that title is more accurate than I’d like to admit. I’m 23 years old and I haven’t consumed any form of weed in the last five days. When I think about the person I want to be, the best version of myself, pot isn’t part of the picture; That’s the simplest way to phrase why I want to quit.

    In my most recent stint of abuse, I grew accustomed to having anywhere between one and three Arizer Solo stems in a day, each “bowl” being about .3 or .4 grams if I had to guess. Despite how relatively small these amounts are on their own, each session would generally last me quite a long time, sometimes upwards of ten minutes if I was really desperate to extract all to be had out of my herb.

    I’m pretty sure my first smoke was at age 14. Though I haven’t been as habitual as some, occasionally taking extended breaks along the way either for myself, school, job opportunities, or other drug tests, my usage still often ends up gradually escalating in such a way that it’s something I've had complicated feelings towards for a significant part of my life. Along with seeming to possibly worsen the depression and anxiety I’ve faced for almost as long as I can remember, I feel like weed has either directly or inadvertently robbed me of some of my intelligence, many memories, my self-worth/confidence, a MASSIVE amount of motivation, well-defined goals, and stunted my development into a fully functional and independent person. I even suspect that symptoms of consistent weed use might have contributed towards my own diagnosis of inattentive ADHD partway through last year, for which I was eventually prescribed an addictive medication that I’m now also trying to quit. Funnily enough, despite the stimulant medication seeming to be a drug worthy of much greater concern, I had near-zero trouble dropping it compared to weed! I guess that sorta makes sense when you think about how much longer weed has been in my life, though.

    I have becomes increasingly isolated as I’ve gotten older. I’m not agoraphobic, just anxious, not to mention a bit of a homebody because of my hobbies. Though it was incredibly rare for me to stay inside for the sole purpose of getting high, weed definitely contributed to this behavior. After being indoors for an extended period of time and eventually getting bored, I might have a vape to “enhance” whatever I was attempting to engage myself with, though it was hardly ever such a conscious decision of behavioral or emotional modification. Unfortunately, weed paranoia in tandem with my already-intense social anxiety made it all the more difficult to leave my hovel. I’d tell myself that I just “didn’t want to go outside,” “maybe after I come down,” “maybe tomorrow,” though I wouldn’t have been able to say for sure when "tomorrow" would really be.

    Though I’ve had my fair share of good times and didn’t use weed exclusively for unhealthy reasons, I feel like I oftentimes smoked as a form of escapism, whether I knew or not. Weed “puts the blinders on” in reference to the world and the many things in it that I’m overly fearful of, including my own thoughts in some cases. My sense of self and what I plan to do with my life aren’t so well-defined as I’d like them to be these days. The world seems so chaotic, hopeless, and meaningless, and though I know for a fact that it’s up to us to decide the meaning of life for ourselves as individuals, I still don’t know what the hell it is I’m doing…I’m sick and tired of feeling so stuck, so utterly lost. I want- no, I NEED to awaken from this near-decade of sleep in order to rise above my fears and insecurities, confronting them directly instead of submitting to this cycle of crippling avoidance. Running away from problems solves nothing, merely allowing them to get worse, so why would I continue to repeat this cycle as I have for years? Would I really prefer a vacant life to a handful of moments of discomfort? Would I rather die painfully of tetanus than deal with the temporary panic, sting, and ache of vaccination? Seems kinda amusingly paradoxical how uncomfortable one’s “comfort zone” can be, how “running away” is more akin to treading water and leads to nothing but stagnation.

    If any of you read this whole thing, I admire your patience and thank you for your time; Sometimes my writing can get a bit out of hand when I’m in a mood like this, haha. I hope that my inane ramblings might be of comfort to someone else out there or maybe even be the push that someone needs before realizing they want and need to get their life together. I will be coming back to this thread on occasion but I’d like to end this post on one last note:

    Rarely are our natural inclinations what we strive towards in life. By pursuing those endeavors which do not come naturally to us, we improve ourselves as individuals. It is through strife that we grow into our ideal selves.

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  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2019
    Posts
    128

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    Hi Ander! You sound very mature for your age. When i was 23 and smoking i didnt know it was having a negative effect on me. I thought it was harmless! I didnt even realize I was using it to escape from my problems or that i was slowly building up a dependence. I wasnt using every day. But by my late twenties, I was.

    Im almost 38. You will never get your twenties back...or your thirties. So you have a great chance at stopping a problem before it becomes a huge problem. If you quit now i can guarantee that your withdrawal will be very mild, if you have any symptoms at all. You didnt even mention any withdrawal so it should be a piece of cake. You will probably miss it for awhile but that feeling should go away soon.

    Keep us updated on your progress.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jul 2015
    Location
    Melbourne, Australia
    Posts
    1,026

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    Hey Ander,
    Welcome to the forum. I was really struck by your first sentence where you said that 'When I think about the person I want to be, the best version of myself, pot isn’t part of the picture; That’s the simplest way to phrase why I want to quit.' This is gold in my book. If, at 23 you are already looking towards the 'person you want to be' and taking steps every day to become that person you are streets ahead of myself at 23 and lots of other people besides.

    It might not be the easiest option, to give up but it will certainly be the most rewarding. I am 3.25 years quit from pot and I still feel like I am reaping the rewards of my quit. It is not that the social anxiety or need to escape will go away completely when you quit weed (although they might reduce quite a bit), but the BEST thing about quitting pot is the fact that you have the presence of mind and the capacity to make changes in your life, that will be able to address those issues.
    I felt when I was smoking that I would stall or go around in messy circles with my life for most of the time that I was habitually smoking. Now, I am not without the challenges but I actually make progress and grow much more as a person. I am so far ahead of where I was 4 years ago, physically, mentally, emotionally and socially.

    I wish you all the best with your journey. Just sing out if we can be of assistance!
    Alice :-)

    For assistance with finding a reputable and accredited Marijuana Rehab Service Provider in the USA you can call the US Government’s FREE SAMHSA’s National Helpline on:

    1-800-662-HELP (4357)


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